Significance

Danger Haley blogged yesterday about being afraid she was going to be called to live a "small life that doesn't matter." And me, instead of being a Godly mom of wise counsel and encouragement? I posted a harsh and self-pitying response. Because yesterday I came undone, in a big way, at the expense of Tiny Ninja, and it carried over into my response to Danger. All of this relates, because yesterday I went to church at MiddleCross in Lincoln. It was awesome, like the first time I went to Grace (without so much hugging, which was good, since they were strangers). And it was incredibly hard.

So, tying back to a life that doesn't matter, Pastor talked a little bit about the book of deeds where everything we do/say/are is recorded and will be revealed at the end. And I'm so scared of that. But after reading Danger Haley's post, I realized that none of us will really know how our life has mattered until that day, when our deeds as recorded by God are revealed to us. We touch people every day of our lives and won't know until eternity how God may have used those encounters. I understand what she means, though - I think everyone who has fallen in love with Jesus and has been influenced by one or more amazingly Godly people wants to win the big one for the Lord.

The other thing that touched me so deeply at MiddleCross was a guy who shared what God was showing him about coming undone - about being our completely wretched, helpless selves when we come to the cross. God already knows exactly who we are, but we still think we can fool Him into believing we are OK, we can do it ourselves, we just need a little help (don't ask for anything too big or important). What I got from his sharing is that the only way God can mold us and use us is if we confess our complete inadequacy, if we just open up that really gaping dark hole inside of us and beg Him to fill it. So, I kind of did that yesterday with Tiny Ninja when we were supposed to be enjoying an afternoon of mother/daughtering and shopping.

MiddleCross was a reminder from God of what His church is really about and what we are seeking when we are in fellowship as a body. I would love to be part of their fellowship, but there are practical considerations that make that unlikely. So I will wait to see, I guess, if my visit there was simply a much-needed shot of encouragement from the Lord or if it will be something more.

I should probably go chore and show up for work, instead of blogging away like I'm a woman of independent means.

Shalom.